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Post by frankj3 on Jan 22, 2014 21:42:13 GMT -5
Actual writings from hospital charts
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Post by frankj3 on Jan 22, 2014 21:34:34 GMT -5
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and . . .OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed.......
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled, "For the luv va Jaysus! You should see the back of mine!"
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Post by frankj3 on Jan 22, 2014 21:16:06 GMT -5
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!!”
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Post by frankj3 on Jan 22, 2014 21:13:12 GMT -5
At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the family in prayer.
BOY: But I don't know how to pray.
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor and things like that.
BOY: "Dear Lord," he started. "Thank you for our visitors and their kids, who ate all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them that they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry.
And provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's bedroom when daddy is at work.
AMEN.
Dinner was cancelled.
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Post by frankj3 on Jan 19, 2014 22:40:14 GMT -5
Thanks Flyangler. Been a VERY busy life for me lately....as in the last 1-1/2 years. And it has kept me away for too long. Things are gonna get better (lost my Mother-In-Law of 35 years) and faster....my 1st grandchild is due to arrive around mid-March!  Anyway....thanks for the "welcome back!" Frank |
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Post by frankj3 on Jan 19, 2014 22:30:46 GMT -5
Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you. Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser. Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, doesn't know if he's coming or going. Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest. Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland, a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want. Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.  |
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Post by frankj3 on Jan 8, 2014 20:17:01 GMT -5
Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los AngelesPlaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.
Sarah replies,"Property shmoperty...the schmuck has a paper route."
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Post by frankj3 on Aug 2, 2013 22:50:44 GMT -5
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
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Post by frankj3 on Jul 2, 2013 23:38:05 GMT -5
I laughed so much I woke my wife up!!  |
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Post by frankj3 on Jul 2, 2013 23:11:03 GMT -5
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
;D
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Post by frankj3 on May 27, 2013 21:57:46 GMT -5
1.Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
10.Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!!
19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
If you don't forward this to your friends; your belly button will unscrew - and your butt will fall off.
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Post by frankj3 on May 27, 2013 1:41:25 GMT -5
Thank you John for remembering our vets.
I am a veteran of the U. S. Air Force; 1973-1977. I was fortunate to be born when I was and as such, did not have to face the hells of war. I volunteered because it was what the men folk of my family did......we served our country. I do not regret a single second of my military career. In fact, I'm quite proud of it and I love being called a veteran.
But, I do not hold myself in the same esteem as the veterans who have braved the of war. I hold these fine men and women in the highest regard possible...they sit upon the golden throne....they drink the finest wine...they sleep on silk sheets...they earned the respect, honor and privileges our citizens should bestow upon them. It's a shame it has taken this long for our country to wake up and bestow the honor and thank you our veterans are now rightly receiving. It wasn't always so. Ask a Vietnam Nam vet.
Freedom isn't free. We've all heard that saying time and time again. But it's true. If you love your freedom, thank a vet. If you love your country, thank a vet. If you love worshiping God in the church of your choice, thank a vet. If you choose not to believe in God, thank a vet. See the trend here? THANK A VET!!!
Thank you, my fellow vets, for granting me the freedom to write what I feel compelled to on this forum. For without your scrafices, we would not enjoy the life style we have become accustomed to, and sometimes take for granted.
Rest in peace my fallen heros. You have all earned the restful sleep our God has granted you. Fear not for your families, for those of us who have survived will take care of them.
I love and miss you Dad.
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Post by frankj3 on May 21, 2013 21:07:36 GMT -5
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them), are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
14. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
15. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
16. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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Post by frankj3 on May 11, 2013 13:00:06 GMT -5
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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Post by frankj3 on Apr 18, 2013 23:08:59 GMT -5
Duck and Cover.....now that brings back memories!
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