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Post by reggie on Oct 5, 2015 22:47:06 GMT -5
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold. When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. And, since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!” The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"
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Post by reggie on Oct 5, 2015 22:38:23 GMT -5
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes
(Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot
of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot
of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden
grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it
slithered out and the
wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower)
ran out into the living room
naked to see what the problem was. She told
him there was a snake
under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands
and knees to look for it. About
that time the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He
thought the snake had bitten him, so he
screamed and fell over on the
floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart
attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an
ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not
listen to his protests, loaded
him on the stretcher, and started carrying
him out.
About that time, the snake came out from
under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped
his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is
still in
the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the
snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor who volunteered to
capture the snake. He armed
himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began
poking under the couch..
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman,
who sat down on the
sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in
between the cushions, where
she felt the snake wriggling around. She
screamed and fainted, the
snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there
passed out, tried to use CPR
to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just
returned from shopping at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on
the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head with a
bag of canned
goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point
where it
needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead
faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending
over him, so she assumed that
the snake had bitten him. She went to the
kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the
man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled
the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were
about to arrest them all, when
the women tried to explain how it all
happened over a little garden
snake!
The police called an ambulance, which
took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out
from under the sofa and one
of the policemen drew his gun and fired at
it. He missed the snake and
hit the leg of the end table. The table fell
over, the lamp on it
shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire
in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out
the flames, and fell through
the window into the yard on top of the
family dog who, startled,
jumped out and raced into the street, where an
oncoming car swerved to
avoid it and smashed into the parked police
car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning
drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising
the fire ladder when they
were halfway down the street. The rising ladder
tore out the overhead
wires, put out the power, and disconnected the
telephones in a
ten-square city block area (but they did get the house
fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged
from the hospital, the house
was repaired, the dog came home, the police
acquired a new car and all
was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and
the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night. The wife asked her
husband if he thought
they should bring in their plants for the
night.
And that's when he shot her.
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Post by reggie on Oct 5, 2015 22:36:00 GMT -5
Chili Cook Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. (I've read this probably 5 times and it never fails to reduce me to tears of laughter). Hope it does the same for you!!! If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting......so I accepted." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: *****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy cow, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. *****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. *****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer. *****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? *****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable ! kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ! ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. *****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my behind with a snow cone. *****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. *****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
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Post by reggie on Sept 25, 2015 21:57:56 GMT -5
Thanks for the info.
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Post by reggie on Sept 23, 2015 20:49:06 GMT -5
Does anyone know where I can get a workshop manual. I do all my maintenance.
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Post by reggie on Sept 14, 2015 20:20:51 GMT -5
I did not buy the one I listed. Instead I was at at local bike repair shop today and asked the owner was that a good price. He said I got one for $900 I am selling for a person. Allen had the title from the original owner who bought it new. I looked at it and went and got the money. It rides good, plenty of power and I weigh 283 lbs. It is a 2006. The other one I passed was also a 2006 blue color. It also ran good but was waiting on a title. In Mississippi it takes about 2-3 weeks from the time you apply to when you get it. The only thing, the fuel and the temp gauge don't work. I checked the fuses, all good. Is there something else that works in common with these 2 gauges. Thank ahead of time. Reggie
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Post by reggie on Sept 10, 2015 0:01:45 GMT -5
I am about too buy one of these. $1,000. It shows 2134 miles. Is it worth it? Where does it come from and who is the real maker? Reggie
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